Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Morning Random: Ghost Jukebox Edition, with Genius Commentary

If you leave the jukebox alone, it plays random songs every twenty minutes. Last Sunday, the jukebox chose the following six songs to play:

1. Elvis - In the Ghetto.
Makes anyone want to drink.

2. Monkees - Daydream Believer
Makes everyone look at the jukebox to see who selected this song.

3. Avant - Separated
Makes everyone go outside to smoke.

4. Four Tops - Need Your Lovin'
Makes all the lonely servers and patrons stare at the wall in regret.

5. John Roe - Izzy
Makes, uh...I can't even remember this song. Maybe it's a psychic trigger and we all have the same 3:43 minute memory gap! Or maybe not.

6. Commodores - Easy
I got nothing.

So there you have it. I'm surprised the 'box didn't toss in any lame country. The 'box will frequently pick Bottom 40 Country Misses and horrible R&B when bored. It seems to only play songs that no one ever selects, as if saying, "put some money in me, or I play more terrible bar music." It's an aural terrorist.

Additional commentary on selected artists and the Jukebox's selection thereof:
Coldplay: A customer reacts to my face when Yellow comes on for the third time in a night by saying, "Wow, you really hate Coldplay." It's like trying to drill a hole in your skull to gain superpowers, except the drilling never stops.

Muse: Coldplay with Enhanced Suck. Ross Perot never imagined how bad the sucking sound could eventually be, but now we know.

Vampire Weekend - A-Punk: Ok, we get it, you're fucking hip. Now shut the fuck up and enable more VW songs, or The Genius is gonna Lou Ferrigno your ass right off the wall.

NOFX: Without Liza & Louise, how can I make Facebook friends with my lesbo coworkers?

Toby Keith: Someday you will face the Wrath of the Beastly Brows, Toby Keith.

Knickelback: Flames. Flames from the side of Res Publica's face.

Journey: I'm gonna hurt you in the no-no place, jukebox.

M.I.A.: If I weren't such a feminist, I might request that guy come beat our jukebox.

Kelly Clarkson: I received a note from Justin to Kelly, and it said only, "I gave up, why can't you?"

Hannah fucking Montana, and the Jonas Brothers: Hah, Disney tries to be all coy, and claim that they don't sell sex to children. Liars. Dirty, rotten, filthy, liars.

Metallica: Three songs from St. Anger, and three songs from the Black Album? Hardly equivalent, but I'm sure the band needed to redo the gold plating on all seventy of their toilets. Guess which three songs play over and over?

Louis Prima: I like this guy. I only play it when I've made more than a bill, and feel good. I don't want to ruin the five songs on the 'box by over-playing them.

MGMT - Kids, followed by PB&J - Young Folks: These two songs play together so often, I am hanging by my fingernails over the abyss of the soul. My rage waits patiently, eagerly, and ravenously to feast upon a delicious supper when the day comes that I can no longer bear these two songs together. It's almost as bad as the Vampire Weekend/Flobots combo. The 'box taunts me by straining to ruin so many bands, and succeeding so thoroughly. I dream of my sweet revenge.


mdh said...

Look at the box,
Look what it plays for you,
And your cow orkers too,
Yeah, it is quite mellow.

Brando said...

Chuckles, you sound as angry as Pinko and UC ranting about MGMT showing up in the Pitchfork best of list.

I don't like Toby Keith, but he redeemed himself a lot with the awesome, awesome song he did on the Colbert Christmas special last year.

Chuckles said...

Oh man, did I miss MGMT hate? I missed their car company sponsored show in DC due to poor time management, but I didn't know that I missed more brilliant UC hate.