A coworker and I were riffing on the wonders of Gold Bond in our steamy, seedy place of business. In addition to debating the merits of various application styles, we wrote a few ads that would probably only ever air on a short-lived, summer-replacement sketch comedy show. On HBO. In between Taxicab Confessions 47: The Long Ride Home, and Real Sex with Dolls 11: Real Girl on Real Girl. Here are some slogans I came up with on the bus this afternoon:
Gold Bond: Keeps your balls cold without freezing your nuts off.
Gold Bond: Keeps you dry until you want to get wet.
Gold Bond: For those men who know what "not so fresh" feels like.
Gold Bond: Feels good on your butthole. Real good.*
Gold Bond: Strong enough for a bear's balls, made for a man's. Bear-Men may also apply.
**Gold Bond: The average crotch is a stanky, sweaty 170 degrees fahrenheit, but a Gold Bond crotch feels like a breezy 70 degrees.
Take the Hundred Degree Challenge! If your balls don't feel one hundred degrees cooler after a single dusting of Gold Bond Crotch Powder, we'll send you a bottle of Gold Bond Medicated Crotch Aftershave!
I also invented some new Gold Bond products:
Sandalwood-Scented Gold Bond for the adventuring man. "For those Hemingway days...and nights."
Whiskey-Scented Gold Bond for the gentleman. "Who doesn't want to smell like Sean Connery?"
*This one comes courtesy of the barback.
**This is more of a marketing campaign than a slogan. Sorry.
***Please don't sue me for this, I write this from love. Plus I'm broke.