Regarding House Speaker Dennis Hastert, "He really ought not be a sacrificial lamb," former Secretary of State James Baker III said Friday. "Hastert is just not a sacrificial lamb kinda guy. Have you seen a picture of him lately? Sacrificial boar, maybe."
Hastert vowed not to resign over his office's handling of the scandal — "I haven't done anything wrong," he said — but it has cost Republicans in public opinion polls. "I mean, I wasn't the one sexually harassing pages via the network of tubes. Hee hee. I mean, come on people, all I did was hold the revelation of this harassment for a year or so. Besides, I've survived the fallout from the Lewinsky bullshit and so far have weathered the mild breeze of scorn in regards to Congress complete lack of endorsement of any pre-9/11 counter terrorism actions. What are you going to do, vote me out? Ha ha." House Speaker Hastert then held out his hand with his fingers outstretched and his thumb touching his nose and made a "nyah, nyah, nyah" noise.
"If they throw Denny Hastert off the sled to slow down the wolves, it won't be long before you'll be crying, 'Hey, you've got to throw somebody else over because they knew about it too,'" Baker said. "And really, Denny is frigging huge, you might as well leave him on the sled and just get off and run anyway." The tone of the party has greatly changed in the last few days as Republican'ts realized that the Democratic Party likely wouldn't be able to pull a single head out of a single ass to really take advantage of another instance of corruption and complete moral bankruptcy. Baker also added, "Besides if we were to vilify and remove everyone in Congress that was involved in this scandal and behave that way in regards to other scandals, jeez, that would make us accountable for our actions and why would we want that?" Baker then unbuckled his pants, reversed facing and showed his exposed buttocks to the press.
"Could we have done it better? Could the page board have handled it better? In retrospect, probably yes," Hastert said. "But at the time what we knew and what we acted upon was what we had. Besides, come on, there are no damn faggots or pederasts in the Republican't party! We are the party of morals and values and all that crap. You can trust us, sweetcheeks. Oh yeah, I am talking to you in the powder blue up front, you should schedule an interview with me later." Dennis Hastert then nudged a compatriot with his elbow and pointed at the female reporter he had mentioned and made a gesture with both hands in the form of an hourglass.
Thank you all and I sincerely apologize to the AP and Yahoo news.