Last Saturday, I was walking into my local Metro station when I was asked for spare change by an allegedly homeless person. The exchange damn near broke my spirit because it happened like this:
"Hey, man, spare some cha-oh, sorry, bro."
I was wearing some green, heavy-duty carpenter's pants that I use as hiking pants. They are durable, but have wide enough legs that the thick denim isn't stifling, even in a DC summer. These pants are pretty faded, worn around the hem, and have some permanent grass stains at the knees. I was also wearing a green, long sleeve shirt that I always think makes me look like a revolutionary. Apparently, I looked so pathetic that even a homeless man didn't want any change I might have had.
Thanks, Universe. I needed this. Everything is now cobagulating.
I try to remind myself that my life could be so much worse, but this doesn't feel helpful. Everything can always be worse. There can always be some other, larger, more hideous monster around the corner. As much as I sympathize with the plights of so many people in the world, reminding myself that other people live in utter terror for their lives doesn't make me want to thank the Good Lord Pasta for my life. I am torn between feeling guilt for being lucky enough to be born who I was born, and for trying to assuage that guilt by remembering that I didn't have any choice in the matter, so far as I know.
At least I can go to sleep, reminding myself that life isn't fair, there is no plan. This comforts me more than any other platitude.