This morning, as I stumbled blearily past my roommate's terrarium and cricket death chamber, she/he/it/bird/spider licked her lips at me. I shit you not. I stopped and looked back at her, and he/she/it/bird/spider stopped moving for a brief moment and then continued running her pedipalps over her fangs. WHILE LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. I guess she/he/it/bird/spider hasn't learned yet to avoid biting the hand that feeds. I took another step toward the kitchen and the inevitable cup of coffee and Helob turned to the left to watch me while continuing to rub his/her/it/bird/spider's fangs. Disconcerting does not begin to describe the feelings engendered by my roommate's actions, especially considering how she/he/it/bird/spider is nearly blind.
Helob has been getting damn testy of late, refusing to get out of the way when I need to refill the water dish. He/she/it/bird/spider has reacted violently to my attempts to clean the terrarium of cricket corpses, striking out at the fork I use to scrap the dirt clean. I am a little worried that Helob might be meeting a rough crowd and experimenting with drugs and piercings. She/he/it/bird/spider has certainly attempted to pierce my water bottle and fork.
I should also mention the strange incident that happened last night. I heard a strange noise as I was falling asleep and thought that something had fallen over or perhaps a new roommate/tarantula food source was moving in. I turned on the lights and looked around for the source of the scuffling. I heard the strange scratching sound again, and it was definitely coming from the terrarium. I peered into Helob's dirty domain of cricket doom and saw her/him/it/bird/spider standing on the cricket's food dish. His/her/it/bird/spider's front pair of legs were on the ground and she/he/it/bird/spider was using his/her/it/bird/spider's pedipalps to lift the dish, which would then make the scratching-scuffling sound when the pedipalps lost their grip. Helob could only lift the dish about a centimeter before her/his/it/spider's weight caused Helob to drop the dish. I think the devious and deadly spider was trying to frighten the cricket that shelter underneath the food dish, but the meals of wheels weren't obliging him/her/it/bird/spider. Wanting some peace and quiet, and also to appease the great beast, I opened the terrarium and shooed the large-fanged and furry creature off the food dish. I carefully lifted the dish, not to avoid harming the crickets cowering underneath, but to avoid being attacked by a rabid tarantula. The crickets scattered for all corners of the terrarium, yet not a chirp was uttered. They had nowhere to run and no stage on which to sing and be free of the tyranny of venom enforced by Helob. I had a quiet night, but the next morning Helob's attitude toward me was decidedly un-passive and un-roommatey. Figures. I buy all the food and clean the place constantly and somehow, I'm the shithead.
9 comments:
Chuckles, I am scared for you. Flee while you can!
Wow, that's pretty freaky. This may also be why I don't have any giant pet spiders.
Knowing my luck they'd team up with killer bees and kick me out of the apartment.
of course you're the shithead roommate, Chuckles. continued heavy handed tactics have pushed poor Helob to the limits of her patience. we all know how difficult it can be to live with an overbearing housemate. occasionally, emotions get the best of everyone and Helob had a moment.
Mutual respect is the best policy!
All I'm saying is that Helob has never contributed one red cent to the rent.
I can't even believe I read the whole post. I agree, flee while you can. We'll know you didn't if Helob writes the next post.
Now, everytime there's a gap in Genius-posting, I'm going to want to call Chuckles and see if he's still alive...
Plus Nick Lowe already did the Ballad of Marie Provost.
Also.
I think it just goes to show you aren't as he/she/it/bird/spider neutral as you claim. I mean, really, have you no respect for the violent instincts that he/she/it/bird/spider culture might prize. Now you want to force he/she/it/bird/spider to your pacificist liberal ways.
Sean Hannity cries for us all.
Fulliecakes?
Wow. You take like three weeks off and the whole balance of order shifts.
Dear gawd.
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