For Immediate Release: Attention all you potheads in my apartment building! PLEASE DO NOT DROP YOUR DOOBIES OR JOINTS OR BATS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL YOUR FLAMING HERB WRAPPED IN PAPER. The fire hydrant outside our apartment bulding has one of the service tags that have popped up all over the city in the last week. It turns out that about 11 percent of the hydrants in DC need urgent repair. This seriously hampered the efforts to put out the fire that nearly totally destroyed the historic Georgetown Public Library. By seriously hampered, I mean the fucking library almost burned to the fucking ground!
So, please, you stoned motherfuckers, DON'T DROP THAT DOOBIE!
And to the jackass that thinks that lighting 40 fucking sticks of incense will cover up the smell of your habit, we know. We all fucking know. We also know which apartment you are because we can see the clouds of incense billowing out from under your untowelled door. Who do you think you are kidding? Why do you even bother? I am the only person in the bulding that doesn't burn one every damn hour. The pot smoke and collateral damage high I can handle, but your goddam incense makes my eyes water and face itch. Just stop. Go eat some kitty litter if you are feeling paranoid, I hear that works well.