Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday Random Five

1. Lily Allen - Alfie. How do like her now, Pinko Punko? That will teach you to disparage my fucking awesome taste in music while cruising the hood for bullet-proof KFCs and pork sandwiches. Bitch.
2. The Raveonettes - Veronica Fever. I think I would like them better if I were driving or working out or something. They screw up my concentration while proofreading. They do have a nice mix of rocking but at the right pace for maintaining an activity like biking or something.
3. Paul Simon - That Was Your Mother. Graceland.
4. Benevento - Soba. I don’t know where this came from but I like it.
5. Madeleine Peyroux - Don’t Wait Too Long. This song can not possibly resonate with anything in my life. At all. Like ever.
6. Paul Simon - The Boy in the Bubble. Sounds kinda like me at times. Back off, you might pop it.
7. Cadence Weapon - Tattoos and What They Feel Like. Downloaded from You Ain’t No Picasso’s SXSW reports. I guess, sure, yeah. Incidentally, has SXSW sundanced yet?
8. The Prototypes - Danse Sur La Merde. Sounds like CSS. I wonder if I like faux French bands more than real French bands.
9. M. Ward - To Go Home. Some of you may be getting sick of hearing about M. Ward, but fuck you because I am interested in his collaboration with Zooey Deschanel.

One of Those Blog's Weeks Linky Lush Lumps

I knew I was ready to leave work early this morning when I laughed at this in my gmail rss feed:
Drywall Buttjoints - - Eliminate Ugly Drywall Buttjoints Automatic Drywall Tools Sales

Survey says: Discovery Channel needs better journalists. Bonobos and Chimpanzees do not "share much of the same behavior and social hierarchy." Chimpanzees are typically patriarchal societies and bonobos groups are typically matriarchal. Bonobo behavior is also startlingly different when it comes to sex, in that it happens on a frequency that reminds a guy that maybe he misused his college years by playing any Diablo at all, ever.

I wouldn't mind having a squid beak implanted in my cyborg-super-mutant-soldiers when I rule the world.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


70 out of 70, bitches. One attempt.

South Park Free, Legal, and Online

Holy Fucking Shit!

Thanks, CHUD!


This week has nothing to do with watching Pathfinder on Monday night. Or was it Tuesday or Sunday? In any event, some stuff is done (class) and other stuff just keeps accelerating (work). Ladifuckingda, like it is something new or unique that I am ridiculously busy. Why don't I cry about it?

Humorous Pictures

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Please Remember to Delete Your WTF Folder

Because we need the fucking space for the new shit to move in:

Honeywell introduces Little Brother Spy Robot.
Does anyone believe this guy: "Our intentions are to use it only in tactical situations as an extra set of eyes," said police department spokesman Juan Villalba. Didn't someone say something similar about FISA?

The USA is expanding the fingerprinting of foreign travelers. If terrorists have never committed a crime in the US or traveled here before enacting some plot, how would this stop them? Why are all of our terrorist prevention attempts so bumfucking ass backwards? That dumb fucking liquid ban was rather fucking dumb. The ban on toenail clippers? Dumb. What the fuck am I going to do? Give the pilot a pedicure? Morans.

Hillary Clinton exagerated, or really fabricated, a story about a sniper attack. I am rather guilty of this as well. I exagerate and fabricate stories all the time. There is a slight difference between me and Senator Clinton: I do it for humor, not to score cheap points against a political rival. I asked what else she could do to prove to me that my dislike of her as a candidate was valid. Business as usual against business as (hopefully) something new.

I Missed the Party Twice in the Last Week

Last night, I worked until 9 and missed Bossy's DC stop. Last Saturday, I forgot about The Mountain Goats until the day of the show and found out that the show had sold out. Fuck.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Let's Turn That Phrown Upside Down!

I think it was The Genius who said, "a foolish inconsistency is the hobgoblin of fucking pissing me off."

I sincerely enjoy having tasks dumped on me suddenly and receiving incorrect instructions and then watching them explode in my face eight months later. I sure do love how professional it makes me look. The doctor says it really helps my blood pressure, too. He wants to submit my results to the International Olympic Cobag Committee. Just jab a javelin in my circulatory system and then show me a circulation report with a deadline of two days ago. Fucking spear will land in Tibet.

Monday, March 24, 2008

For the Best Probation Officer in Chicago

I'm a dumbass. With my extensive knowledge of our country's penal system, I should have known the difference between a parole officer and a probation officer. Law & Order fails me yet again! Curses!

On Your Bookmarks

But just in case you aren't hip or with it or cool or a hot lunch or whatever the kids are calling it these days, Peep Research.

Maybe Battlestar Blogging Will Rez-Erect Teh L4m3

But don't reveal any fucking spoilers because I haven't finished watching season three, bitches.

I wonder if there is a website that tracks the number of Last Supper parodies or copies? Here's the latest.

Three seconds of web searching later...
Culture Popped
I still want one of Brandon Bird's Lenny paintings, but James Woods might do in a pinch.
I was also pleased to learn that you're the man now, dog still has a web presence.

Friday, March 21, 2008

These United States will be in San Francisco on March 23rd

Don't become a cobag by missing them. These United States are great live and great on their album, too. Don't take my word for it, take someone else's word! Music for Robots likes them so much they also included them on a compilation album!

Pinko Punko and fulsome especially should get off their steadily expanding asses and go see the show.

UPDATE: I am now calling out Kathleen. Let's see if she and that good-for-nothing man of hers can muster the simple courage to see a show and meet the fulsome. I think we can all agree that Pinko Punko does not have the stones to attend the show.

Friday Fucking Five

1. Funki Porcini - Wicked, Cruel Nasty and Bad, from Hed Phone Sex. Similar style pre-Private Press DJ Shadow. Incidentally, I think I just gained enough xp to level up in the Music Nerd(Douchebag) prestige class.

2. The Magnetic Fields - Yeah! Oh Yeah!, from Fuck Only Knows. I don't really like it. It's like the relationship that you think is ok but then you realize that your desire to smash faces with rocks persists without any break for feeling happy. This aspect will be covered in the Geek Dating Guide under the chapter titled Red Flags.

3. Johnny Cash - The Rebel, Johnny Yuma from a greatest hits album. I like it. It reminds me that I still want to bike across the country, gnashing my teeth at this gilded cage.

4. Canasta - The Things You Don't See, from We Were Set Up. I still like them despite the fact that they are forever tied to a woman who hurt me. Oh well, tits is tits, ya know?

5. The Lovely Sparrows - Chemicals Change, from the vagaries of my travels and travails across this vast continent called Internet. Makes me want to stand around drinking Shiner Bock and nodding my head, clapping occassionally when a song ends.

6. Andrew Bird - Heretics, from Armchair Apocrypha. One of the few people that can easily sound more pretentious than I without trying but has actually accomplished something so at least he earned it.

7. Hard-Fi - Living for the Weekend, from Stars of CCTV. British Radio Rock. I know one of the hallmarks of floppy hipsterdom to bitch about how fucking pretentious everyone else is while ignoring your own chunderloafing, but is that worse than constantly bitching about how pretentious you are on your own blog?

8. Wild Sweet Orange - House of Regret(m), from the wilderness of fuck all. I guess they're interesting but they sound too much like the belong on the Garden State Soundtrack for me to enjoy an album's worth.

9. Iggy Pop - Repo Man, from the Repo Man soundtrack. Look at me! I am wallowing in a pit of pathetic self-loathing. I am the dork with both the Garden State and Repo Man soundtrack on my computer and above this I am 'bagging on the former. I am approaching a transhumanist singularity of pretentious yuppie hipsterism.

10. The Vandals - (Illa Zilla) Lady Killer, from Stage Diving to the Oldies. I still owe fulsome a copy of this awesome album of bands that would probably all get together to kick the shit and teeth out of me. Fear would probably knife me in the side and leave me bleeding out in a dumpster. Incidentally, I once referenced Fear in a discussion with a philosophy professor about Francis Bacon and then I found out that professor was a punker in his youth. I am sorta surprised he didn't kick me teeth out on a regular basis but he did regularly dispatch my shoddy analysis of the great minds in front of the entire class of lazy undergrads. I certainly deserved both.

11. Prof Longhair - Big Chief, from Rare Funk Vol 5-Afro Funk. I think I got this from Fluxblog. Lily Allen sampled it on Knock Em Out. I should investigate the rest of these volumes while picking up Battlestar Galactica season 3 this weekend. Fuck off, I like it.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Me and Other People

Despite being a generally nice guy and someone that enjoys both a fine turn of phrase and leg, I really get tired of other people at times. I just get sick and fucking tired of being around other people. It doesn't help that my apartment is such a mess right now that it is no longer the sanctuary I need it to be. I'll have to work on that tonight.

I don't want to be needed but I need to be wanted.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Recent Absess

I've been getting minor bloody noses every night since Sunday. It's just like high school. That hotel's atmosphere was way too dry for my delicate mucus membrane. It was like the Gobi Desert. Isn't a gobi at species of fish, too? I think it is. Anyway, I am going back to the cave for today.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

My Recent Absence

Sorryfolks, I have been out of the blogorama for the last week with a conference. The conference was all about how to maintain a blog and keep it updated. I'll report more next week.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008

Holy Shit Part the Nth


I impressed myself with that one.


Now That is Irony

I wonder how a person changes from a "crusading" attorney general to a prostitute-hiring governor?

Is that similar to the thing that happens to most people that get an MBA and a website? You know, where they suddenly become 'libertarian' or whatever they call neo-cons these days.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Dude! Check Out This Sweet Blackwater Video Game!

Is anyone else just a little bit disturbed by how close to the bone they are cutting it with Army of Two? These commercials are every gun nut's dream. Maybe I have just reached my limit. I have yet to install Call of Duty 4 because I have only recently acquired my new computer and also because it does not feature the Wehrmacht and Nazis. There is a difference for me between re-enacting World War II battles and realistic scenarios of the current or near future global war.

Plus, skull masks?
Come on. It just screams "kill anyone you want, it won't matter nobody can see your face." Without a face, we have no conscience.

Steven Spielberg vs Uwe Boll: 147-1

May 23rd is going to be one interesting day. I hereby pledge that I will see both movies on opening weekend, in the same night if possible.

I would love to see Uwe Boll and Steven Spielberg in a cage match. I wonder if Stevie has the Eye of the Jew.

Thanks Kathleen, I would say I owe you one, but instead I will allow you to claim that you won one of the snap battles in which I trounced you.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Gary Gygax Achieves Ascendance to Seven Heavens from Material Plane

Gary Gygax, whom you all better know, died yesterday in Lake Geneva. I was lucky enough to meet the guy who inspired basically every role-playing game out there when I was in college. He was nice and totally cool with all of the fanboys and fangirls at the local convention. I was online last night in one of the many fantasy worlds descended from gary Gygax's imagination and a lot of kids didn't even recognize his name. I felt sorry for those kids. I am not going to bore you with tales of how many systems and versions of D&D I have played and currently own, but I will tell you about this totally bitchin' cavalier/monk multiclass character concept I had: an absinthe addicted Don Quixote with paranoid schizophrenia and a specialization in Tai Chi to combat his dementia. Awesome, huh?

Order of the Stick and Penny Arcade both have nice tributes up.

More Captioned Candidates for Your Bemusement

Even More Stupid Captions!

The Secret Project That I Have Been Hiding is Now Revealed be dumb jokes about Presidential candidates, current and former:

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Who Unplugged the Internet?

Work has been relaxing since the internet connection went kerblooie on Monday morning. I have gotten caught up on lots of filing and even solved a tricky problem involving mysterious and reproducing printer drivers on the network.

My new computer arrived while I was home for lunch today. It's totally badass. Supreme Commander is going to be SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

World Tour 2008: The Genius Ages Like a Fine Wine or Scotch...or Cheese

So, Bossy is doing her roadtrip and I am totally stealing her idea. If you want me to swing by your city and show you precisely how I roll*, then clear off the couch, clean out the bong, wash out the funnel, and put the pizza in the oven cuz I am going on a frigging world tour again!

The last one involved a brief stay in London**, Vienna, Bratislava, Poprad, and the High Tetras. If you want me to visit your town, let me know. The list so far includes Bahston, Chicago, Seattle and San Francisco.

* Off the curb and into the gutter?
** Heathrow doesn't count, you pretentious jerk.
*** Who the fuck let this asshole in?
**** I am crashing your chundernozzling cobag-slurp fest.
***** Piss off, ass face!
****** Oooo, now I'm scared, I'll be back, comuffin.

UPDATE: Unless people buy me tickets, this world tour is sticking to the continental countries. If I get to three countries, I will probably be on the run from the authorities. And Anton Chigurh.

Saturday, March 01, 2008


Should soymilk be this lumpy? I grew up in the shadow of UHT milk and know that sometimes lumps are okay, but this is a little ridiculous. It tastes fine but has the consistency of flu-snot.

UPDATE: No, the soymilk should not be that lumpy. I had some on Sunday night after shaking the carton and then, about 30 seconds later, felt like redecorating my bathroom. I spent the rest of the evening feeling awful. The strange part of this ordeal was that the drink tasted fine. This will teach me to buy two cartons at once.