This is Not Me

Some people collect stamps. Some people collect other stuff. The only advice I have is for the guy. GO BUY A RING AND MARRY HER, YOU DUMB MORON. Any woman willing to move in with you and not throw away your stuff when you go to work is an amazing woman and you will never be able to display the devotion she has, just by agreeing to move in with you.

My Nephew Has Really Grown Up in the Last Month

I am staying with dandrobium and his family for the weekend. For those of you that don't already know, dandrobium is one of my Brothers of Indeterminate Number. His lovely and talented wife, julenopsis, comes home and picks up her fascinatingly intelligent son, GeniusNephew. GeniusNephew has a vocabulary that rivals mine and has some curious opinions about gender roles as they relate to cars and trucks. julenopsis makes some comments about how a friend of hers called her a MILF at some point in the day. julenopsis' mother asks what a MILF is. julenopsis replies that a MILF is a "Mom I'd Like to Fool Around With." At this point, my nehpew decides to say, "MILF!" I giggle. My nephew looks at me and smiles and says, "MILF!" I crack up. julenopsis says, "Honey, don't say MILF!" GeniusNephew says, "MILF!" I lose it completely. GeniusNephew starts saying MILF over and over and I am hell and gone laughing my face off. dandrobium tries to get me to quit laughing by saying that is only encouraging GeniusNephew. I don't care because I can't stop laughing.

I couldn't get my nephew to say "Gender Roles" when he insisted that the biggest truck in the alley behind his house was definitely a man's truck.

Somebody is Missing the Point

These are not Air Guitars. Read this book and understand.

8 Things I Hate About You

First, a little preramble. There are times when I want to write more stuff about my life, but lately events have changed the way I feel about that. There are more people reading this blog than before the Tucker Incident, but that is okay. One of them is my boss (I HAVE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME, DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND STOP) and this presents me with a conundrum. I want to feel free to write again, but I don't like my coworkers to be included in everything about my life. If I want them to know about my life, I'll tell them. My brothers also read this, but I am not worried about them reading it, even if it does eventually filter back to my parents though I have no reason to suspect that it has or will.

I am a little concerned with the difference between the way I write about myself and the way I write about other topics, although to be honest my posts since March have all been of lower quality than I like. For instance, how do I follow a post with three links to a plane flight with overflowing toilets with a post about my dating foibles and seem at all genuine? How do I get righteously angry about major issues in federal and global politics while bitching about all the dogshit cluttering my neighborhood sidewalks?* How do maintain any sort of emotional authenticity when the thing I am most known for is joking about having an 80 foot penis?** Maybe I should just say fuck it all! Damn the cognitive dissonance and full blog ahead!

Random fact number 1: I am very colorblind. The best explanation is that the 8 box of Crayola crayons is perfect for me but if you give me the 64 or 128 box, you might as well just punch me in the nuts.

Random fact number 2: I like to sing in my apartment, but totally choke at kareoke. I do not choke if I need to use the announcer voice, just sing. I was rather relieved when the DJ in Chicago denied our song picks, even though he was being a total cobag.

Random fact number 3: I used to be afraid of heights. I was unemployed and I took a job with a gutter cleaning company. I got over that fear really quick.

Random fact number 4: I am not claustrophobic but I think caving would freak me the fuck out, even had I not seen The Descent.

Random fact number 5: I stick to my principles, to the point of getting out of bed with a girl who had voted for Bush in 2004. BEFORE anything sexy happened. Republicans don't deserve the Wang.

Random fact number 6: I play World of Warcraft. This is not very new, but the following information is: Realm: Cenarius. Horde: Chazme, Gorhead, and Tezcatlipoca. Alliance: Haznabel. If this means anything to you, look me up and we'll go questing. We might even find some unicorns.

Random fact number 7: I like to say that I paint and write. When women call me a painter and a writer, I don't disclose that I paint these guys and write blogs. Romance is honesty blended with deception, battered with banter, sauteed in mystery and served with a nice fruity beer.

Random fact number 8: Depending on your interpretation of Article 2, Section 1 of the US Constitution, I can never become President. My parents are two American citizens who were on assignment overseas with the US government when I was born. I only recently passed the required 14 years of residence in the US.***

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

Thanks to Cornell Law School for the Constitution citation.

*I think they are both linked in my mind, if we were better people and thought of our effect on other's lives, we would pick up our dog's shit and stop wars.
**And that's just the girth!
***Despite all this, I was a rather sheltered child and remain rather sheltered. Some might describe my life as charmed/cursed, given my luck with meeting famous people and women.

Birthday Wish List Item #41

Buy me one these. I would roam around the metro area's highways and vapoohrize tires just for the fun of it. I could sell off the leftovers. Leftovers like diesel oil and steel.

Speaking of Dirty Jobs, And Flowing Shit

1949 was a good year for DC. Lots of infrastructure expansion going on, homes being built, people moving into town. Homes have since been rebuilt, fixed up and generally well maintained. People have likewise been maintained. The roads and power system of DC and the surrounding area have been maintained as cheaply as possible which keeps costs down over the years, I guess. Unfortunately, the sewer systems in DC and Maryland have been shat on for the last 60 years. According to various articles, the sewer systems in DC and Maryland need a massive overhaul. I know it is FOX but check out this video. That last bit? The part where the guy says that rates are going to climb next year? Really looking forward to that. I am sure that my rent will be affected. I am paying the price for decades of neglect and an unsurprising lack of foresight by essentially everyone. That is the American Way, pass the check off to your children and grandchildren.

I am not angry that I have to pay it, someone did, but I will get angry if people don't start to fucking learn the lesson.

Mike Rowe Has Always Been Funny

I have seen a few episodes of Dirty Jobs or as some call it the World's Dirtiest, Nastiest Fucking Filthy Jobs or as some small select group may call it, Mike Rowe Will Do Anything For That Dollar.

But these videos show that he has always been a wiseass which I respect.

Tuesday Random 17

Because I feel like it.

1. Tu n'appartiens qu'a moi - Nous Non Plus
2. Ny Batteri - Sigur Ros
3. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard from the Once soundtrack - Just fucking go see this movie already. Stop being a dork and go see it.
4. Hot Bat - Man Man
5. You Got Me - Elk City - I must have downloaded this, but I don't remember when. Upbeat but not annoying, I could hear more.
6. Meu Destino - Thievery Corporation - I am surprised it took this long into this list to show up.
7. On Fire - Sebadoh
8. Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains - Why did I buy the Clerks soundtrack? Probably the Chewbacca song.
9. Until the Morning - Thievery Corporation - Emiliana Torrini sings on this one. She has a voice I like.
10. The World Looks Red - Sonic Youth
11. Seein Thangs - David Banner - From DJ Shadow's hip hop album The Outsider. I like a variety, alright? Fuck you, Pinko Punko, I like what I like.
12. Wolves - Josh Ritter - I wish this was a higher quality version, but I will just have to burn it and listen to it on my CD player instead of my computer.
13. Sleep - The Dandy Warhols - I am not a huge fan of this song.
14. Hopscotch Willie - Stephen Malkmus - I know he is some sort of indie rock messiah, but this recording blows. The fault of that lies entirely with the fact that is a bootleg, I think.
15. The Spark That Bled - The Flaming Lips - I still like this album, even though I feel that At War With the Mystics is better and Transmissions from the Satellite Heart is more genuine.
16. A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash (written with Dylan, I think) This is and always will be a great song. Maybe one day, I'll get to murder it in a horrific kareoke performance.
17. The Essence - Herbie Hancock - It's good.

That's a Crappy Plane Flight

Oh

My

God.

Dick Cheney Provides More Reasons to Impeach Him, Too

He has no frigging clue about the structure of our government. Cheney's office has told the National Archives that it does not consider itself a part of the Executive Office. As one of the commenters pointed out, that means that the Office of the Vice President is no longer covered by Executive Priviledge. Subpeonas all round, boys! I'm buying!

WOWZA! PEPCO Bills Go Through the Roof

I got a bit of a shock when I opened my PEPCO bill this morning. PEPCO claims that I used 9490 kilowatt hours in the last billing cycle. I switched apartments within the same building in February and have paid bills since then. If I remember correctly, I paid for February through March in April and then paid relatively on time in May (ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T PAY IN MAY, MY BAD). My usual usage is about twenty dollars in the winter (we have gas heating) and my biggest summer bill was forty-eight dollars and I was running the AC all evening. Now PEPCO claims that I owe them over one thousand dollars for the latest billing cycle. I know that rates rise in the summer but that is a little extreme. I will have to lodge some sort of protest and get this checked out.

I have vague recollections, that may just be wishful thinking, of news stories from last summer about people getting excessively large bills when PEPCO switched to the summer rates. If I were to add up all of my previous bills, I doubt they would be this high.

11:45 PM Wednesday, MORE INFORMATION FOR THOSE WHO CARE: I used 470 KWH hours from March 18th to April 13th, or some thing like that. I forgot to pay that bill because I am a disorganized person. Two months at that usage rate would be about 940 KWH which makes a bit of sense. The bill has a "multiplier" of 10 to determine the KWH and it seems reasonable to think that the meter reading was just multiplied by 10 a second time. I have called PEPCO and they opened an investigation. I should hear back in 48-72 hours. The representative asked me if I had installed any new appliances. I almost responded with, "Well, I do have this particle accelerator and I have been running it a lot." It's a 60 year old 435 square foot apartment, how the hell could I use 10 freaking MEGAWATTS without tripping every breaker in the building and burning the place to the ground?

This Shit is Out of Control

Two incidents last week were an odd counter point to the annoyance of general existence in DC.

Somebody shit all over the Capitol Building. I can almost sympathize with this. There I times that I want to take a dump for change. Or just poop on some Senators.

I also sympathize with the people that called the bomb squad and a hazmat team over a dirty diaper. Diapers are frigging lethal if left to ferment.

One point of outrage: the Virginia legislature and Governor's office are apparently determined to ignore the advice of urban planners and the will of the people. Tim fucking Kaine and the other fucking dipshits supporting the overhead version of the proposed Metro expansion in Virginia have their heads so far up their asses, they can see what they had for lunch two months ago. Let's look forward, jackasses, to the future that is coming whether you fucking like it or not. Gas is never getting cheaper. We will never be able to breath engine exhaust. Step up and take a stance that won't be regarded as boneheaded and ass backward for the next hundred years. Plan for those hundred years and bury the Metro line and create a pedestrian friendly Tyson's Corner. Help usher in a Northern Virginia that is ready for the population expansion of the future and the long delayed but inevitable cost of the automobile culture. Imagine a Virginia that doesn't require 45 minutes to travel three miles. Have some fucking foresight.

Chicago, Tonight is Your Night to ROCK!!!

Super secret sexy spy friends send us this message: Air Guitar in Sight!

I urge everyone to go and cheer for the champ and even for the not so champy contestants. Great fun and they probably sell beer, possibly even Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss.

C Diddy the US' first champion (Sorry Bjorn):


Background information for those who need to be spoon fed:


Airobicize?

Confidential to Someone

I want it to be next weekend so fucking bad it hurts.

Another Post in Solidarity

Thanks to a super secret sexy friend, I learned about this piece of bullshit. A projectionist, Jesse Morrison, who writes movie reviews for Ain't It Cool News, Malco's movie blog and a circular that was distributed at the theater was fired over a negative review of Craptastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.* According to the sack of shit that fired him, "...this boy knew what he was doing was the wrong thing. ...He was in a position of trust and he violated that trust." This corporate, spineless turd had a valid point in terminating Mr. Morrison, AKA Memflix, if the guy had been writing without the knowledge of the company. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT MEMFLIX HAD BEEN WRITING REVIEWS FOR THEIR OWN MOVIE BLOG AND THEY HAD BEEN DISTRIBUTING FLIERS OF THESE REVIEWS AT THE FUCKING THEATER!

Guess what, jackass? I hope Memflix sues you for wrongful termination or at the very least organizes a protest of your chain of theaters. What a pile of crap. The chain knew exactly what this projectionist was doing and approved of it until he wrote a review that the movie's distribution company disliked. This is such total and complete fucking crap.

Ain't It Cool

Malco: Let the fuckers know how you feel.

*I have not seen this movie, but since it is connected to the first one, I deem it likely to be just as asseriffic. I could be wrong, but I am not spending money to find out.

Videos from the 2007 DC Air Guitar Championships

A clip show that does not feature The Masturbating Booger but does feature the wardrobe malfunction pants:


The Runner Up:


The Winner of the DC Championships with his compulsory song performance:

That Most Wonderful Time of the Year

AIR GUITAR SEASON!!!!!!

Last night, I had tickets to the DC Air Guitar Championships. I was, and remain, annoyingly sick and only planned on picking up my tickets from the window and giving them to my friends, but I failed. I stayed for the whole thing and I am a better shredder for it even if I still feel sick.

The show was awesome. There were 24 contestants, ranging in age from 17 to 71. Some were brilliant and some less than excellent. My favorite moment was when this one dude comes out glammed out to the yin-yang and beyond and calls himself Blitzkrieg and the older gentleman standing next to me says, "That's my son!" Blitzkrieg was the fourth or fifth contestant and really knocked shit into the red line. I thought he was better than one of the people who made it into the second round, but the judges didn't.

The top five competitors were Goat-Man Grogan, RT "The Soul Man", 'Ed Banger, Lance "The Shred" Kasten, and Couch Potato. Goat-Man Grogan whipped out crazy atheleticism and worked the axe like a man possesed. The Soul Man had a more subdued style but managed to convincingly rock both the left and the right handed guitars. 'Ed Banger played to the crowd with the power stance, heck he practically played in the crowd! The Shred was furious and played with amazing energy to take the DC title. Couch Potato rocked the alt-country vibe with precision and style. Worthy rockers all.

Special praise must go to the 6'10" 300 pound "Metal Coursing Through His Veins" Vlad D.M. Wailer who thrashed out to the Transformers Movie theme. This beast dwarfed Bjorn Turoque and still managed some impressive hops and really got the crowd going nuts. Sadly, he did not make the top five, but he wins special place just for song choice.

I hope to find some clips on YouTube or the Goog soon, but as yet have struck out.

I can not stress enough how much fun this show is. If there is a regional championship happening in your area, definitely go. Get down off your lonely hipster ledge and laugh at yourself as you cheer for someone that is on stage without any instruments. The Air Guitar Championship schedule is here.

Everyone Loves Free Shows!

Fort Reno is just a short bus ride away from my neighborhood. If you don't know anything about the history of DC, the designer was asked to include defensive forts and circles for artillery emplacements around the city, in case of attack. When the British attacked the city during the war of 1812, these plans were not quite up to the task. Now, the forts are great places to have free concerts while the circles are just traffic hazards. On Mondays and Thursdays during the summer, Fort Reno has free concerts providing that our weather holds clear.

Here's the schedule. DC also has Screen on the Green during the summer but sadly, no Mai Fest with mugs of Maibock.

The Score, or How to End a Pork Snorkel Before It Really Begins

La Pasadita Ultimate Barbacoa Burrito: 1.
The Genius: 0

This freaking burrito is as big as it looks and just as obnoxious. (Unfortunately, the archives of Well Rounded Nerds do not permit me to find that post at the moment.) The barbacoa was cooked to a state that could be called sub-rare. This is not exactly desirable when you are already worried about the hygiene of the establishment. My colleague in consumption had expressed concern about the ripeness of the pico de gallo prior to our meal's arrival. I was able to try the pico, green salsa and the reportedly heavenly black salsa. I am a fan of the spicy food, much like my adorable nephew, but I was not impressed with either topping. I was forced to concur with my esteemed compatriot. These salsa-esque food products were perhaps too genuine. But back to the burrito.

I forced myself to ignore the rare-ness of the meat and instead enjoyed the rice, lettuce, guac, beans and cheese. There was not enough of either to over power the burrito or take away from the flavor of the meat. This was almost unfortunate as the meat could have been flavored more. In fact, it would have been nice if it had been flavored at all. It tasted like and undercoooked flank stank that maybe had a jar of spice waved in its general direction. Still, I wasn't only there to enjoy it so much as to climb the fucking Everest of Burritos. To carry this metaphor to a stupid conclusion, I got altitude sickness and had to carried down the mountain weighing thirty pounds more than when I started climbing.

The worst part wasn't the pain of my belly, but the full knowledge from the moment I left the establishment that this too would pass. I ate the burrito at 3 PM on Saturday and had no desire to eat anything until 1 pm on Sunday. Even then, I was only mildly peckish.

However, at 5:45 PM Sunday afternoon, I knew that it was time. I managed to hold everything together until 6:04 PM, mostly to give the other patrons of Intelligentsia on Broadway a chance to use the bathroom before I rendered it unfit for human, animal or silicon-nanotube based lifeforms.

The EPA has since rendered that establishment a Superfund site. I'm sorry.

The Guitars Are Sobbing Ungently

I am rocking the fuck out of Chicago tonight. The Pretentious Bastard is currently hacking his way through Woman on Medium. We are working our way through medium to get as many songs as possible unlocked. I was asked to do an encore of Sweet Child of Mine. I got three stars. Rather like my college career, I can not seem to avoid fucking up for long enough to secure a score above 88%. We are playing Guitar Hero 2 on an XBox 360 with a HD TV that is approximately .32 Wangs, just slightly smaller than Clif's.

We are stuck on Trgodor as originally performed by Strong Bad.

Please pardon any typos as I am using both a Mac and cramped hands from all the rocking. Earlier, we attempted to engage in some light hearted kareoke. The DJ stiffed us and we left after loudly disparaging the DJ with our compatriots.

Hope remains for further rocking.

Two Words For Everyone

PORK SNORKEL!!!!!!!!!!!!

What: Eating.
When: Saturday
Where: TBD
Why: I need a reason?
How: With food

"There but for the grace of Pork go I."

Guitar Hero Sited

This is what a guitar hero looks like: