Assault on Boston: The Prequel

I am leaving for a few days to go wage war on the den of sin known as Boston. Should be a blast. Boston will be naught but a smoking crater when I depart for my humble abode in the District.

I need a real challenge

So, Steve the Pirate (you may debate the nature of his piracy in the comments) came by with some more tripe and hollow arguments. So I decided to cruise by the cobag's site and see what was up. Well, they have pretty much given up on writing anything at all and have completely given in to cut and paste blogging. I left a few comments that I might have been better off without, but low hanging fruit is a little fun to kick. I am not doing anyone any favors, though, so maybe I should just leave those guys alone. I should really be looking for someone of my own intellectual caliber, but I haven't met any that weren't liberal.

What is a genius to do?

Sorry, Boss

Neat stuff on the internets today. The Onion AV Club has a whole bunch of crap that I found neat. Also, I heard from my local that The Quiet Earth is out on DVD finally. This movie is completely awesome. fulsome can attest to my raving admiration for this masterpiece. I have already ordered it and nearly pooper myself when I saw it on the shelf. Herbert Raoul Allouiscious James the Third, an employee at my local, also enjoys this movie and I predict that there shall be a joint viewing and it shall be awesome. I was a little saddened by the lack of a boundless variety of extras, but the commentary and restored picture will be enough for me. The Quiet Earth knocked Star Wars off my top list when I was but a wee freshman in college. This was before the new versions, when my love of that goofy space trilogy knew no bounds.

The best of the links I've found are here:
And you call yourself a scientist.
Moria?

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

The Eastern seaboard is about to float away. We got 5 inches of rain yesterday and the rain is not expected to let up for another couple of days. When I was a child I thought rain was boring or scary. I grew up fast enough and rain become a nuisance or a joy depending on my attitude. In middle school, rain was a nuisance because it would flood the cafeteria and make the entire building dank and irritating. It was a joy in the summer when I could sit in the window and watch the lightning and the rain washing shit down the drain. When there wasn't any lightning, I would be outside sailing sticks down the current into the drain and that was fun. Someone ruined it all for me when we learned about acid rain in school. I first heard the term without explanation when I was in first or second grade. My logical but silly mind understood acid and rain and became shit scared to be out in the rain. I kept asking my dad when he was going to put the pyrex roof on our house. He had no idea what I was talking about. This was a frequent occurence in my house. Very logical questions and conclusions based on incomplete information result in mass confusion.

I have since learned a lot more about acid rain, pollution and the water cycle. I am even more scared by this than I was as a child. We may not be in danger of the house melting in the next storm, but if this keeps up, we are in danger of killing of the planet. You may think this is silly, but you are an ignorant cobag. According to a study published in the Scientific American (only a little sexed up with pretty pictures), the rising levels of CO2 in the ocean are acidizing the oceans. Coral is made from calcium, a base. If the deep ocean is becoming acidic then bye bye coral. Coral reefs support the largest ecosystem on the planet. That ecosystem supports all life on earth. If the water cycle gets much worse, we will be in danger of the rain melting the house.

There are cobagz out there who will say that this is all crap. None of them are scientists and none of these cobagz are without an agenda. Clif at Outside the Tent has more and better info on the specifics of these cobagz. Basically, it comes down to a simple question: if you have pain somewhere on your body, are you going to listen to a doctor's diagnosis or are you going to listen to the guy who just burst into your room where you are wearing a paper skirt and says that you are not sick at all and should just ignore the pain?

That's the anti-clean air/water argument in brief. A bunch of bastards that want you to remain in pain and wear paper clothes.

This may seem a little random and odd, but I am having trouble controlling the iron horses in my head today. My union station is sending out a few too many trains for me to keep track.

I Continue to Amaze Doctors Everywhere

"Man Survives Multiple burst Aneurysms" will be the headline. While everyone everywhere gets their licks on the hopefully huge story that Republican'ts in the House of Representatives squashed a Democratic attempt to vote on the COLA (Cost of Living Allowance/Allotment, whatEVARS) and then squashed an attempt to raise the Federal Minimum Wage (hereafter referred to as FMW) by 40%. For some reason, Dennis Hastert didn't want to have a debate on this issue until after the election. I can't imagine why.

The Republican'ts must have some awesome new PR campaign ready to shoot all over our faces because that is fucking crazy. Whatever anyone else may try to say about the Republican't party it is blatantly clear that they don't care about the little guy. I am sure that jackass cobags like Shootaliberal will claim that the FMW only stifles the free market while they are donning their Wendy's or Walmart uniforms, but will that thought keep them warm at night when fuel oil costs soar and the oil companies burn stacks of money in their fireplaces. Don't worry people, I am sure you got a really great interest rate on that Escalade. Too bad interest rates are on the rise, in part due to the global instability caused by the Bush administration's economic and foreign policy. I heard that Bush was going to make the Department of State a minor division in the Department of Defense, in order to hold down the deficit.

Does anyone remember what the deficit was before Bush took office?

The funny thing about the little guy is that these people actually exist, unlike the mythical self-made man. The only self-made man (or woman) would be someone that walked in out of the wilderness, self taught and thoroughly self socialized and then strolled right into Wall Street and made himself (or herself) a boatload of money and then started an empire. Otherwise, you aren't self-made. If you went to public school, you owe a lot to the government that provided the education and the environment to learn. (Although some might say that crappy urban schools require kids to find their own will to learn and education and I agree in part, but the school system is still public.) You also owe your community for providing you with the environment that shaped your personality and choices. This myth of the self-made person is just an excuse for people to ignore their obligation to their past and the public.

This too can not wait

I have recently upgraded my workout routine. I am upgrading from two to three weight workouts a week. I have also recently given up on the shirt while running. I like my body and don't care that some people may not. I usually only see two or three people on my jog anyway.

Some people may wonder how I could jog in such a bustling busy city, the capital of the 'free' world no less, and not run past or into anyone. I know the secret, beautiful, hidden places of Washington. Would you like to feel like you are lost in the wilderness, but still be within a mile of a metrobus route? Come take a walk with the Genius.

Next week, I may post some in progress shots of my hot bod. Maybe. I don't own a camera, so they may be a little blurry.

This Can Not Wait

Ok, so Timmah420 found a funny video about Myspace on Youtube. The metaness of that find not withstanding, the video itself is chuckle worthy. Right up to the last to the vinette, it was alright. The final bit made it brilliant.

It brought a little tear to my eye for the long lost but lamely lamented 3Bulls! presence on blogspot.

Sigh.

Good times.

I think an aneurysm just burst in my brain

What drives you all so bonkers about the Left anywho? The fact that after 6 years of total Conservative control, NOTHING has gone correct for the nation? Or is it that no matter how hard you try to shut us up, how desperate you get to discrdit us, or how whiny you get to Big Media that every liberal is anti-American, no one listens...us Moonbats are still here?
Yankee_Blue | Homepage | 06.12.06 - 12:52 pm |

And Yankee Blue stops by to show the continued ignorance of the left by claiming that there are elected conservatives in Washington. News flash, Yanker -- there's almost none and certainly not "total control."
Ogre | Homepage | 06.12.06 - 6:32 pm |

From the Kender Musings comments on that cobag's attempt to get in a fight at the Yearly Kos in Las Vegas. If some tubby, smelly, cheeto powder covered lunatic stalked into a convention I was at and acted like people ought to know who he is and debate him with their fists, I would flip a coin and let that decide whether I ignore him or punch him in the face. This saddens me because I really don't consider myself a violent person, but I have been contemplating committing grevious bodily harm on people like Kender for some time now. I should really be rather immune to jackasses like this guy because of my experience with gaming conventions. Those events are full of cheeto snarfing, tubby, annoying, socially inept people that want to explain their character to everyone. I have not run into one who wanted to explain how the Republican'ts are not conservatives, however.

I have yet to hear any compelling statements or even the tiniest shred of an argument that holds water to support that claim. These jackasses sure seem to insist on it, though. I guess it is their only refuge from the fact that America is not the conservative paradise they were promised when they voted for all those assholes in Congress and the Cobag in Chief. After all, Frist is not a real conservative and neither is Santorum or DeLay or Cunningham or McCain or Bush or Cheney or Insert Name Here.

Good job Kender. Those leftist losers wouldn't dare challenge you because they can't debate on the field of ideas. As Kos would infamously say- "Screw Them"
RealTeen | Homepage | 06.12.06 - 3:20 pm |

Apparently, the "field of ideas" is now the field of Asgard. Awesome reasoning. Kender tries to pick a fight or a shouting match, whatevars, and is basically ignored by the five or six attendees he sees and is lauded for showing all the whiny, dumb moron liburls that they can not debate a true conservative. This is actually true. I don't think it is possible to debate this overflowing cobag. You can punch him in his massively swollen gut or insult the hell out of him in a blog or in person, but you can't debate him because he knows nothing of the rules of argument or anything about this 'reality' of which you speak.

Plus, who wants to get cheeto spit sprayed all over you?

In response to his statements that no liberal would ever dare do what he did, I refer my reader to this post of mine. I wasn't dressed like a deranged fundie and I didn't take an immense dump in the middle of the floor, but still I went deeper into the heart of evil than Kender. I think this has something to do with my massive testicles and his teeny tiny set of marbles.

Air Guitar Nation

I went on a non-date this Friday and my companion was a lovely person sanspseudonym. I may have told her about the blog, but it isn't really important. She is boyfriended and I am just looking for another pal. So cut off my legs and call me Legless Norman Rockwell.

We went to a screening of the Silver Docs showing of Air Guitar Nation. At some point in the distant past, the Lord said, 'Let there be ROCK!' and it was good. At some nearer point in the not as distant past, the Lord said, 'Let there be those who rock without instruments!' and it was also good, but in an odd and slightly embarassing way. Now, that oddness has been rockified and the slightly embarassing aspect has been burned away by the crucible of the Air Guitar World Championships in Ollu, Finland.

The documentary (or rocumentary, whatevs) starts off hilarious. How can a person not laugh at the antics of air guitar and people who take it seriously? In 2003, there were only two events, East Coast and West Coast. East Coast was better, naturally. Those OC don't really know anything roots or rock and the definition of rocking out. West coasters are always putting stupid, unnecessary descriptors in front of their rock. East coast just has one word and needs only one word: rock.

But I digress, this movie moved from hilarity to discussion about art to lessons on dreams and goals, always in the context of rock. The West Coast championships were amazing. They had one of the lead singers of Veruca Salt (can't remember which and the internets isn't helping), Morello (the guitarist from Audioslave) and a magazine guy judging. The judging is based on figure skating rules with one freestyle type qualifying round and then a compulsory round in which everyone rocks to the same 60 second clip. It was during the West coast segment that I was mostly laughing at the things people were saying about their skills and not while they were performing. Amazing.

The segments in Finland were pretty damn rad. There was discussion about the purity of air guitar and of art. There was an air guitar retreat for the competitors. I was pretty blown away by this movie as you might be able to tell. The championship is also all about world peace which is pretty damn cool. Also, groupies!

No discussion of this movie is complete without a mention of Bjorn Turoque. Bjorn Turoque's persistence is legendary. He pursued the title to Finland in 2003 and then around the US in 2004. He has written a book which is being released August 1, 2006!

Honestly, this guy makes me want to sit down and finish all my short stories, screenplays and philosophical treatises on the similarities of Electron Propulsion Theory and Berkeley's Modern Philosophy (which would require me to take a few physics classes and possibly read some of the books on my shelves). I intend to get right on it, but I am a little busy wailing out some wicked licks on my invisible guitar. If you need me, I'll be in my office. Please leave a message or knock, but only if you know how to ROCK!

PS. In case it wasn't obvious earlier, everyone should go see this movie at the various festivals if it comes to their city. It is just so fucking rad.

UPDATE: I was apparently quite lax in my linking. Bjorn Turoque's myspace page has a video of his entry in the World Championships of 2005. It must be seen by all.

The Genius Explains: Issue #42, Women

Recently, I was involved in a brief conversation. Some of you may find that extremely hard to believe and to you I say, go to hell. I was with some people and we were enjoying some burgers and fries that were extremely good for $4.99. I shall write a Delicious or Disgusting post to counter PBelle's obsession with Dicks later in a week or two, as I have some more locations to explore before writing the definitive post on burgers in the DC area. One of these friends was, and remains, both Jesuit and married to one of the top 5 hottest married women in my dating range. In fact, she is currently residing at the top of that admittedly small set.

If I get a little derailed, please excuse me. Anyway, the married fellow says, "What the- I mean-" and then looks directly at me, the only single man at the table, and asks, "How well do you understand women?"

I answer as honestly as I can, "Well, um, I used to think I had things figured out, but I really don't understand a damn thing about them at all, as recent events indicate."

The married responds, "Well, they really aren't all that different from men, most of the time, but that other bit of time-oh here she is." His wife walked back in and over towards our table.

Thinking rather quickly, I said, "Well, I won't debate the fact that the original series of Battlestar Galactica had it's merits, I just think that the depth and scope of the writing is far surpassed by the new series. The visual effects, though, are on par with the new series. The old series' effects were the height of the technology of the time and so are the new series'. The new one just looks so much better because our technology is so much further along."

The married man looked at me and shrugged. His wife responded with, "I was wondering when you guys would get around to science fiction."

Let's just hope the women don't find out that we only watch and read science fiction to cover up the conversations we are having about them and about our lamentations of their impermeable minds.

Shhhhhhh.

You DARE to challenge ME!?12!? I AM THE GREAT DESTROYER! THE CYDORK OVERLORD WILL CRUSH ALL PETTY HUMAN!!!!

I was ready to just end it all and pop the developing aneurysms in my circulatory system this morning when I heard NPR reporting on the nonbinding resolution on our troops in Iraq. I realized two things. 1) I am too smart to die just yet, the world needs me. 2) I should really calm down a bit. I am infuriated with the crapass shit going on today. Great, wow, fuck! A nonbinding resolution on Iraq. Whoopdifuckingdoo. If I were a Representative, I would either abstain or walk out. I would take some speaking time to say that I was going to go watch cartoons in my office and anyone else was welcome to join me, just bring a sixer or a forty and we'll kick it OG style, because that is just as useful as sitting all day in Congress to listen to a bunch of assholes preach.

And then I saw this. I have a few words to press for you: The Hurricanes can't rock you like I will rock you. Pavel Nedved doesn't resemble Owen Wilson as much as your nose will when I am through. You think I start a blog in the hood and I don't know what's shit? I will fucking represent on your ass. I may even teach myself HTML and lower myself to whore levels, just so I can say this:

The election year is still young, and we haven't seen the half of this vitriol yet. Some politicians, like blogger Robola of Someone Took in These Pants, are equal-opportunity bigots: when he isn't calling for blogs to declare Wordpress the national coding language and demanding that Blogspotters be quizzed on the HTML and C++ (could he pass?), he is defending Wordpress by proclaiming that in his family's "recorded history" there has never been "any kind of freehosting relationship." (Any bets on how long before someone unearths Robola’s unrecorded history?) Bru, a fellow contributor challenging the Freelance Genius from an undisclosed location somewhere in Alaska, has run an ad warning that "if Chuckles had his way, America would be nothing but one big fiesta for milbloggers and nerds."

The practitioners of such scare politics know what they're up to. That's why they so often share the strange psychological tic of framing their arguments in coding speak. The Open Source, the vigilante brigade stoking fears of a programming Armageddon, quotes FORTRAN on its Web site; its founder, Charles Babbage, has referred to his group as "predominantly young John W. Backuses." On an IMAO podcast, JohnnyCougar and the STiTP lead writer, Robola, positioned the campaign to deny blogger civil rights as the moral equivalent of L.B.J.'s campaign to extend civil rights. Bru, the leading Wordpress voice on coding policy, likened those who employ blog templates to "the 19th-century slave masters" that "we had to fight a civil war to get rid of." For that historical analogy to add up, you'd have to believe that Africans voluntarily sought to code websites. Whether Bru is out to insult African-Americans or is merely a fool is a distinction without a difference in this volatile political climate.

JohnnyCougar is a lame duck, but he still has a bully pulpit. Here is a cause he has professed to believe in since he first picked up a keyboard, and it's threatening to boil over in an internet meme. Imagine if he exercised leadership and called out those who perpetuate memes rather than merely mouthing homilies about coding principles and online integrity.

Coding principles and online integrity are already on life-support in this debate. If the bloggers don't lead, Robola will have helped relegate blogspotters to the same second-class status he has encouraged for Typepadders. Compassionate blogism, R.I.P.

Stealing but you can see why...

Pinko Punko and the Sadlynoicans, I present you with the wingnut fringe's golden calf:



This was made by some guy named UK PETE over at RPG.net and here's the link.

This Just Doesn't Quite Fit the WRN Style

A new discipline to be taught in colleges and universities all across America this fall.

Also, if you recognize this phone number 1800-394-4263, then you know where all my damn money went.

Too Freaking Easy

You Are Super Spicy

You're a little bit crazy, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot of sexy. You go beyond hot - you set people's senses on fire!

Are You Hot?

AG? You got nothing. These things are too easy to game.

And I thought fulsome was being original. How naive of me.

Apparently, having a kitty is some sort of time honored internets tradition in some parts. I guess my idea of posting pictures of cattle mutilations was somewhat on topic, but I thought the kitty missiles was funny. Now, I see that we were just being lame, copy kitty, tradolinquent, bran muffins.

Well, that's just great. Maybe I will just sit here and sulk or something. Oleki bango says we should launch a preemptive strike and blow the fuck out of some conservablog jackass, but that has gotten mighty old. I acknowledge the fact that it has only gotten old because other people do it so much better than I. But there is one arena in which I can still compete:

Cobagitation.

After all, I live in the City of Cobaggy Delights. I shall now abuse this residence. I am meeting up with "thecobagitator" this weekend and I plan on using the leftover signs from fulsome's visit and some new signs.

I do this is for really only one reason: I like winning contests. I guess that means I deserve a 'baggie nomination, but since those will never be awarded--oh, I just got that joke. Anyway, I wonder when the prizes from the first header contest will be sent?

By the way, the song is about me.

Abstinence is totally AWESOME! and a Little something for Father's Day...

Not really. I am fairly certain I am not the second person to post a link to it, but Jesus Dress Up is really fun in a sacrilicious sort of way.

In regards to the title, I have decided that I can not allow any of the abstinence only education companies I was forced to include in our database to advertise with us. If this costs me my job, I can always wait tables until the Good Old Girl Network lands me another job. This is not a reference to gay people, but a reference to the fact of my existence that my Mom and her friends are my best job hunting network ever. Shut up. I am not kidding.

My Mom is really awesome. She is a better cook than Res and Blue Girl, even if they were to conjugate and have twins. Those demon children would not be as good a cook as my Mom. My Mom is really smart and has an advanced degree. I am not sure in what but I know she went to Northwestern to get it. My Mom knows more languages than most (French, German, Danish, Romanian). My Mom always gives the most thoughtful gifts for everyone she knows. Even though this is not an exactly quantifiable statement, it is still a fact. My Mom confides in me, which is a bit worrisome at times, but surprisingly moving. My Mom is super smart because I am her son.

My Dad is clearly also super smart because he asked my Mom to marry him and she said yes about 38 years ago this August.

They don't read this, which is debatedly a negative and positive factor. Anyway, Happy Father's Day, a little early.

Anything AG can do, I can do better because I have a PENUS

You Are 100% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

This bitch is TOAST!

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

It is true. I would be more evil if the suffering of others didn't bother me. What can I say?

At least I don't hat tip. That is so goddam stupid. How is it a new post if you just slap a link on top of a quote containing the entire post that you linked? Why not just link and say, "Indoodle noozle noodly doodly!" or some crap? Or better yet, just don't bother.

Banned from Another NeoCon Blog

I have been banned/censored at the newest NEO-CON blog. The Republic of Dogs has been eliminating my comments for a couple of days now and THIS WILL STAND! I will now plot cobagitation against the vile Canine Republican'ts.

You all may now commence consuming it.

In Dreams I Rage

I had a bad dream last night. I was hanging out in an airport which is never a good sign, but airports are where I spent my formative years. A lot of my friends were there. Some of them had laptops. These people were all playing World of Warcraft. The bad part of the dream is that they all finally convinced me to join the game. I tried to buy a copy but Blizzard said that I also had to buy a copy of Warcraft 3. I told them to shove it up their asses. That's a crap game and I don't want it's disease anywhere near my tablet pc. Its a dream and I can have whatever computer I want. Like an edible carpet computer, if I should so desire. So this fight went on for a while and I ran around the airport kiosk and shredded it like a chimp in a mood. This did not convince the salespeople to let me buy WoW with WC3. Even after I went all proctological on them. So right as I was going to commit serious bodily harm on these schmoes, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou went running by and were followed by Ian McKellan.

I recognized where this part of the dream was taking me, so I chased them down and started screaming at them all for accepting parts in a movie based on such a shitty book. Sir McKellan tried to dismiss me as a Christianic fanatic, but I set him straight with a few Magnetos and Mithrandirs. I had to bust out the Olodrin the Wise before he realized that my beliefs run in other directions. This convinced them all that I just hated the book and it's poor writing and exceedingly poor understanding of dualistic religions.

I then found myself running through a WoW setting while being chased by a big box of WC3. Man, does that game suck or what? For that matter, they both suck.

Hilarious? Yes. Unhinged? Never! Commie? Not so sure.

"Hilariously unhinged commie: tie Chuckles at Freelance Genius and Adorable Girlfriend at Republic of Dogs"

I forget who wrote this in whatever comment thread, but whoever wrote this can bite me. I am not unhinged. I am competently hilarious and conveniently sane.

As a human who is not yet ascended to the status of cyborg, robot, demigod or even demagogue, I should define my principles.

People should take responsibility for their actions. In this, I guess someone might call me a little randroid. However, government exists to enforce the consequences of our actions when we fail to take responsibility on our own. Government should be a stabilizing force on instinct and emotion for the society as a whole. I think this era of philosophy was called the Spinozan Panopticon.

Business and government together perform research that leads us into new eras of civilization and technology. Computers and all the cool benefits of the space program like the CD players that the men in black brought us. Incidentally, I can't wait for the aliens to bring us hologram technology because a holodeck would be sweet. Except when it breaks and that seems to happen almost every time someone uses one. I don't know what this makes me. Logical Positivist?

People like to take things instead of make them. We should have defense forces. We should not use these defense forces to take other people's stuff. That is what diplomacy does. I think this makes me a Cartesian Calvinist.

The world of the senses is all there is, but my mind is my most cherished possession. If I were to lose my mind, I would surely go insane. Every new experience changes my perception of my current situation and thus my mind is always in ways that is largely unpredictable. This has elements of Socratic Baconian Thought.

I hope this clears the air.

Can I get in on this?

What’s a rock song? For the purposes of this list, I’ve viewed a rock song as a tune that’s already played on a “classic rock” radio station or one that might conceivably be played there. This eliminates a lot of “pop songs” that might be called conservative, such as “Love Child” by The Supremes Diana Ross & The Supremes - Diana Ross & The Supremes: Anthology - Love Child or “Papa Don’t Preach” by Madonna

I thought I would get in on the hating of this bran muffin. Where do you get your pot? After watching Wedding Crashers, Grandma's Boy, Vertigo, The Full Monty and District B-13 this weekend, I think I could use some really good, insanity causing bud and you, jackass, clearly know where to procure said bud.

The difference between facts and assertions have also been bugging me.

"Papa don't preach is a conservative anthem."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) This is an assertion. One can say this all one wants, but it will most likely never be true.

"Madonna, while she may be religious and all of late, would be hard to describe as conservative what with her embracing of her own sexuality. And at least a few other's sexuality as well. Madonna's name and her depictions of religion would seem to be indicative of a desire to be both religious but also sexually expressive. This conflict made her a star during the late '80s and early '90s as she led young America out of sexual repression and into the new generation of oral sex for all." (ACTUAL QUOTE OF ME) This is also an assertion. I have no real way to judge the conservativeness or liberalness of a song. Perhaps if I were to make up a list of ten ideological positions that contain binary solution sets, I could judge the ideological nature of any song. I am not going to do that because I could care less whether some jackass at NRO wants to label songs conservative or not. I am concerned with people claiming that assertions are the same as facts. Especially when those same cobagz use these assertions to reinforce wildly outrageous claims.

"Madonna sings songs and tours the world giving performances."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) This is a fact.

"Madonna studies kaballah."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) Again, another fact regardless of the dubious pop religion nature of those studies.

"Madonna looks way better now than she did in the '90s."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) This is another fact.

"Madonna made a really stupid movie about her and some Italian guy getting stuck on an island and there were no exposed tatas."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) More facts.

"I have not seen this movie."(NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE BY AN NRO COBAG) Yet another fact.

You all see where The Genius is going with this line of thought. By removing the "I think" from a sentence, declaring an opinion does not make that opinion factual. Unless, of course, that sentence is: "George Bush is a lying cobag and should be impeached under the law."

Assault on Portland: Part Two, In which I eat a nice meal with lots of other people and don't make an ass of myself

I woke up at 8 am because I could no longer sleep on the bed of torture. When you have a shitty old mattress like mine, you get used to the give and take. The very nice hotel's bed was all about the take. We were staying at the Paramount Hotel in downtown Portland. The room was fine, well beyond my budget but fine. I received my marching orders and rode the new Yellow line of the Max out to Lombard Transit Center and there did I have a vision.

I stepped off the train and my mind demanded that I ingest of the holy sacrament that is mocha. I wondered where might I procure some in this strange and faraway land? My eyes did venture across the street and there did the Holy Jebus bestow unto me a vision. And the choir of seraphim did sing in voices so sweet they would drive a normal man insane. The heavenly clouds split and the solar orb did shine down upon a house. And LO, this house did display the sign of the faithful. And LO, this house was prepared to receive worshippers.

And the Archangel Anthius spaketh unto me, saying Fatigue shall be vanquished by the Sword of Mocha and Hunger shall be slain by various and sundry foodstuffs. Bidden by a holy choir of angels, I did enter the church of the holy caffiene.

I purchased a large mocha with whipped cream and a zippie. A zippie is bagel dough with stuff baked into it. Stuff like eggs, cheese, ham and potatoes. And it was good.

I then met my friend, The Dark Man, and we went to a bar for lunch and split a pitcher of McMinniman's Hefeweizen which was good, but I can get it out here. I had the Stanich's Burger. A burger with hamd, bacon, egg, cheese and some other stuff. The burger was good, but the cajun fries nearly made me sick. The bartenders and waitress recognized my friend which says something about his soon to be married ass. Flirt.

Anyway, after lunch and some Halo 2, it was time for me to head back to the hotel so The Dark Man and another college friend, The Reverend Jesse James, could go practice the ceremony. I changed and stuff and met two other college friends and their new baby. It was funny and a little weird seeing them with a kid, but it happens to the best of us. Anyway, the rehearsal dinner was great and it was good seeing all sorts of college friends and letting them see the thinner version of the Genius. Plus, prime rib and other foods! The Reverend Jesse James handed me a ten dollar bill in the middle of the meal. And said that I knew what that was for.

TG: "I do?"

TRJJ: "Yeah."

TG: "I don't, actually."

TRJJ: "You remember the bet we had about Orchid?"

TG: "Holy shit. She actually swore?"

TRJJ: "Yes, and you know what else? Full on dominatrix now."

TG: "You are shitting me. Like for work?"

TRJJ: "No, not professionally, just..."

TG: "Huh. Huh. I'll be in the bathroom."

That got some laughs.

We had an assignment to write bits of advice for the immenently newlywed. I wrote that "[The Genius] is a great name for a child." What other advice could I offer?

Categorized under Booty, Double Booty, Oh God you are kidding me, Why didn't I hit that when I had the chance, Friends, Beer, Food(Burgers), Food(Beef), Acid Reflux, Coffee, Holy Jebus, Gambling and Why not?

Can I take a moment?

I would like to say that I find the "We can do better" slogan to be extremely pathetic. We¹ could even have a whole thread about our ideas for a better Democratic slogan. I bet we could do better than "We can do better."

Let me start:

The Democrats have not been screwing you over for the last 26 years. (A bit misleading, people might think the Democrats would like to start screwing them.)

Remember the promise of the early '90s? Republicans pissed all that away pretty good didn't they? (A little too negative.)

Vote your morality and your checkbook! Vote Democratic! (That's not bad.)

1 Me, AG and teh l4m3, since no one else really comments here.

The Internets Continue to Fuel My Rage

Patricia and Matthew were having an argument over their favorite science fiction television show. Pat was thrilled that the newest captain was female. Matt was not. “I still don't see why they had to cast a woman! She just can't command the same way a man can. Listen to her voice. Is that the deep voice of authority? I don't think so!” argued Matthew.

“What's the difference?” asked Pat. “When mom grounded you last week, she didn't need a 'deep voice of authority'.”

Pat slowly started to smile. She loved to win arguments—especially when the arguments were with her brother.

Then Pat started wondering if the captain's sex did make a difference. In Pat's opinion, the captain did a fine job; her crew obeyed her and she made the right decisions. However, she was certainly different from the show's male captains. It wasn't that the new captain acted like a man. She was feminine. But she still acted like a captain.

Just as her head was starting to swim from all of this thinking, Matt shouted, “Hey, sis, Admiral Mom says to finish our homework or we'll both end up in the brig!”

“Aye, aye,” laughed Patricia.

I found this gem while I was doing web research at work. It was on an abstinence educators' website under the heading "Sexuality". The website was offering ways to explain the difference between boys and girls. The above example is abysmal.

I would try something like, oh, I dunno, talking to my kids instead of letting the TV run the lesson. Not exactly rocket science, but then the above example does come from the Ostritch People.

They keep their heads in the sand? Get it? I made my own insult! Now I am as cool as Pinko!